Dear friends,

To all of you, old and new, I love you. I've lost one this summer, and I cannot bear the thought of losing another. I said my goodbyes, Kevin, but you are still with me. I missed my opportunity to tell you "I love you," and as the Mayor said, I will not miss that opportunity with the rest of my friends. You have taught me this, along with much, much more.

This summer has reminded me of something I forgot. Amongst my first year of college, and all the awesome new friends I made, I forgot something about my old friends. I forgot how special those relationships are, and, not to belittle those I share with my new friends, how irreplaceable and important they are. I have a bond with these people, and the bond I have with those from high school came at a cost. Multiple tragedies brought us this close, so as much as I value the new friendships I'm forming, I apologize, but I never want to pay that price again.

As I said, I had forgotten. I was so ready to move on to a new chapter and had allowed the past to grow out of focus, but I have been reminded how absolutely essential they all are to my very being. Instead, I move forward with both the old and the new. To Will, Megan, Rachel, Ryan, Adam, (not to forget my friends from church Quintin, Erik, and the rest, and my very best friend for life, Leon), and Kevin as he now truly lives in the presence and glory of God, I love you. To Ken, David, Kris, Josh, Andrea, Mitch, Heidi, Sarah Ann, and all the rest, I love you as well. Onwards.

Hurt

I still hurt. I always will. Kevin was too important for this to completely heal, but my pain is not the greatest hurt. It's my friends'. When I witness their sorrow, their pain, I hurt so much more. I can handle my own pain, but I feel helpless and unable to do anything or provide any comfort for my friends. I never really planned ahead, but they did. Without Kevin, those plans are forever altered or even lost. I have no more tears left, but they're still crying. I am left unable to offer more than a hug or a comforting word, but that is merely a band-aid for the gaping hole in their hearts. I know their pain, I feel it too, but I don't know how to heal it. Kevin is in heaven now, I have peace in that, but my friends still here in this world still know pain and hurt. As long as that is true for them, it is true for me, but when we are reunited with God and Kevin we will know pain and hurt no more. In the mean time, onwards.

Good bye

How do I say good bye? Better yet, how do I say thank you? You were not only a good person, but you were one of the best I've ever known. You were so talented, and you dedicated the use of those talents fully to God. You lead our school with humility, long before anyone would have asked it of you. Without you, our school couldn't even have run. Most importantly, you are my friend. You make me better; you make me want to be the best I can be.

I grieve you're lost potential. After what you accomplished in 18 years, I can only imagine what you could have done in 80. You were the one who would change the world. Instead, you leave it upon us, to use our talents the way you used yours. You impacted so many lives so deeply, myself among them, that maybe more may be accomplished because of the inspiration you are than what you alone may have done.

Yet, I still don't understand. Why are you gone? Why has someone so irreplaceable left us with such gaping holes in our hearts? I want to blame God, question God, because that would be easy, but I can't. I may never understand till you yourself can explain it to me one day.

You left your class and all those in attendance of your graduation with one word. I find more comfort in what you told us than anything else. Life moves along, and if we are to properly honor you, we must do likewise. We cannot dwell upon our loss, but must rejoice in what you left us. You inspire me with this word, and in your memory, I now leave this for all those who read this and future posts. As you say: onwards.

Why me?

Tonight I drove by the sight of my accident. The chunk of the bush I took out is growing back nicely, and apart from the one corner being shorter, there is no sign left of what happened there two years ago. I always think back and ask why me? Not why did it happen to be in the first place, but why did I survive it? It was my fault and my responsibility, yet now I count my accident among my blessings. Why me? I surely don't deserve it. I barely even had to pay the consequences of my actions. A couple hundred dollar ticket is surely a fair price for my life.

I was returning home from hanging out with friends, watching a movie, and talking about life. Ever since middle school, I have been overwhelmingly blessed with friendship. Why me? I have so many friends who I love and trust completely, and have never really lacked this since the start of high school. Considering how hard it is for me with new people, this is truly incredible, especially considering how easily I made great friends in college when I knew absolutely no one. The greatest thing is I know my feelings are reciprocated. Even my newest of friends drove across two states to visit me, and my oldest has brightened when I reaffirmed he is my best friend. They are all incredible people, and I understand not everyone can claim the same about their friends.

Even now, as I sit in my room, I ask why me? I barely have to look around to see a computer, a bed, a TV, an Xbox, shelves of books, and countless reminders of a happy childhood. I was born in America to hard working and loving parents. They've always provided for me, and I've never truly known want or hunger. What have I done to deserve this? I was born into such opportunity.

I reflect further on my parents and then on my family, and again I ask, why me? I love my parents, and they love me. I could not ask for a more perfect pair. Sure we have fought, but all those times pale in comparison to everything else. They raised me as best they could, and should have no regrets. I know too many people, good people and great friends, who cannot share this joy. My sister and brother, although as imperfect as I am, are also true blessings in my life. They love me, even if they (by which I mean my brother in particular) don't necessarily say it, they show it in ways only a sibling can. Even at my age, I still have plenty to learn from my brother, yet he displays patience and kindness in teaching me. My sister, though separated from me by years, still makes the effort to connect with me, and bond. Again, this is no result of anything I have done, simply the chance of birth.

Again, why me? Why has God blessed me so? Why not any one of those in Haiti, or those suffering at the hands of Joseph Kony and the LRA? It is unfair; I recognize this. I suppose if it was fair, and I did deserve this, it wouldn't be grace. As Relient K says, "the beauty of grace is it makes life not fair;" however, I am not content with this. This unfairness does not sit well with me. Perhaps this is why God has blessed me; this is the answer to "why me?" God has extended me this grace, so I may extend it to others. I simply pray God also blesses me with the strength to do all I can do. Until next time, have fun, live life, and don't die. Good night, folks.

4 8 15 16 23 42

I would be remiss if I said nothing about LOST. I watched this show from the very beginning, all the way through last night's finale. Wow, simply wow. It was breathtaking, the greatest epic I have ever seen. From the opening to the close, it never wavered from the standard of excellence it set in the pilot episode. I'm glad I could be a part of this spectacular work of art produced in our times, this cultural phenomenon that was worth all of its hype.

I understand not all are happy with the finale. It wasn't what they expected, what they wanted, it betrayed them, it didn't answer their questions. To them I say, how could you watch this show for six years, and expect anything of it, other than it to defy your expectations? This show would be utterly disappointing if all of a sudden, it did anything else than what it always has, shock its audience and challenge us all to think about what we just saw. It was LOST, true to its very character. It didn't spoon-feed us anything. It never has, and if it started now, I would have been severely disappointed.

If you, however, are one of the people who disagree and expected it answer your questions, expected it to go as plan, expected it to be as you expected, then I'm sorry, and it may be harsh, but you are not a true lostie. LOST trademark was defying expectations. It made no promises but to wow you, and perhaps leave you wondering. It held up its promise, and did not deny its fans their love of speculating and theorizing. True LOST fans, true losties, can fill in the blanks themselves, and know just how fantastic that is. Until next time, stay lost my friends, and good night.

Seriously?

I found out recently that one of my former friends openly admits he hates me. This shouldn't bother me since I long ago wrote him off as a friend, yet it does. When I cut him out, I simply stopped hanging out with him, or including him when I did things, but I didn't do anything to intentionally piss him off. I suppose there was something over Christmas. He normally had a few friends over New Years Eve, myself included most years, but of course I didn't want to go this year. With this completely out of my mind, I organized a get together with my friends the only day I could, New Years Eve (I organized this before he invited me to his annual New Years Eve thing). I even told one of our mutual friends who had been invited to both to go to the other shindig. Next thing I know, this former friend wants to egg my house that night, and now hates me enough to tell people about it. Like I said, I dropped his friendship a long time ago after beginning to realize he wasn't a very good person or friend, and I simply didn't like him anymore. Still, it really bugs me that he hates me. Sure I don't like him, but I wouldn't say I hate him, not even close. This shouldn't bug me, yet it does. I just don't know. Until next time, have fun, live life, and don't die. Good night folks.

What have I learned?

One year of college down, let's see what I have learned this past year (in no particular order).
1) How to function on minimal sleep
2) How to function on no sleep
3) How to use chopsticks
4) How to enjoy drinking coffee
5) Do not expect Tom to fulfill his promises when Team USA beats Team Canada
6) Do not ask Tom to recite Bible verses
7) How to mix concrete
8) How to build a wall
9) How to speak French, sorta… Okay, I think I can say hello.
10) Kris makes awesome food (dinner and dessert)
11) How to do bass on hard for Rock Band
12) Do not challenge the Halo god, he will pwn you like a noob and destroy your childhood
13) Where the turtle pond is
14) On that note, how to get Heidi really mad at you (also, Bejeweled)
15) How to not get girls really mad at you in general (it’s a work in progress)
16) Tattoos on the inside of your arm really hurt
17) They can be really worth it
18) How to swing dance
19) How to flip people/swing stunts
20) How not to flip Joshua
21) How to keep a blog
22) How to procrastinate like a pro
23) How to get to the roof of the student union
24) Urban Spelunking/trespassing or breaking certain broadly interpreted anti-terrorism laws
25) How to adjust for ‘Ryan Time’ (add 15 minutes)
26) Jane Austin is better with zombies
27) Wizarding Independence Day is May 2. Prepare for it next year and celebrate it properly
28) Apparently, Zordon is a racist
29) You cannot appease the Tetris gods
30) I love Hulu
31) The best way to play the floor is lava
32) That people can be like pies, with a third, deeper layer that’s exactly like the first
33) His fists aren’t the hammer… well, you know
34) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
35) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
36) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
37) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
38) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
39) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
40) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
41) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
42) [removed due to, well, it’s from SIGPoBarB]
43) You can learn more from your peers sometimes than from your professors
44) Great friends are forever and irreplaceable, but new ones can always be made
45) There are churches that are simply buildings where you gather, and there are churches that are the community of people that make them up.
46) If I manage to only do one thing God has told me to do, it is going to be to love.
47) God wanted me in Arizona. It’s all part of a larger plan he has for me that I can see playing out in my life.
Also, something about equations, particles, forces, and integrals. Until next time, have fun, live life, and don't die. Good night folks.