Saturday, June 26, 2010
Hurt
I still hurt. I always will. Kevin was too important for this to completely heal, but my pain is not the greatest hurt. It's my friends'. When I witness their sorrow, their pain, I hurt so much more. I can handle my own pain, but I feel helpless and unable to do anything or provide any comfort for my friends. I never really planned ahead, but they did. Without Kevin, those plans are forever altered or even lost. I have no more tears left, but they're still crying. I am left unable to offer more than a hug or a comforting word, but that is merely a band-aid for the gaping hole in their hearts. I know their pain, I feel it too, but I don't know how to heal it. Kevin is in heaven now, I have peace in that, but my friends still here in this world still know pain and hurt. As long as that is true for them, it is true for me, but when we are reunited with God and Kevin we will know pain and hurt no more. In the mean time, onwards.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Good bye
How do I say good bye? Better yet, how do I say thank you? You were not only a good person, but you were one of the best I've ever known. You were so talented, and you dedicated the use of those talents fully to God. You lead our school with humility, long before anyone would have asked it of you. Without you, our school couldn't even have run. Most importantly, you are my friend. You make me better; you make me want to be the best I can be.
I grieve you're lost potential. After what you accomplished in 18 years, I can only imagine what you could have done in 80. You were the one who would change the world. Instead, you leave it upon us, to use our talents the way you used yours. You impacted so many lives so deeply, myself among them, that maybe more may be accomplished because of the inspiration you are than what you alone may have done.
Yet, I still don't understand. Why are you gone? Why has someone so irreplaceable left us with such gaping holes in our hearts? I want to blame God, question God, because that would be easy, but I can't. I may never understand till you yourself can explain it to me one day.
You left your class and all those in attendance of your graduation with one word. I find more comfort in what you told us than anything else. Life moves along, and if we are to properly honor you, we must do likewise. We cannot dwell upon our loss, but must rejoice in what you left us. You inspire me with this word, and in your memory, I now leave this for all those who read this and future posts. As you say: onwards.
I grieve you're lost potential. After what you accomplished in 18 years, I can only imagine what you could have done in 80. You were the one who would change the world. Instead, you leave it upon us, to use our talents the way you used yours. You impacted so many lives so deeply, myself among them, that maybe more may be accomplished because of the inspiration you are than what you alone may have done.
Yet, I still don't understand. Why are you gone? Why has someone so irreplaceable left us with such gaping holes in our hearts? I want to blame God, question God, because that would be easy, but I can't. I may never understand till you yourself can explain it to me one day.
You left your class and all those in attendance of your graduation with one word. I find more comfort in what you told us than anything else. Life moves along, and if we are to properly honor you, we must do likewise. We cannot dwell upon our loss, but must rejoice in what you left us. You inspire me with this word, and in your memory, I now leave this for all those who read this and future posts. As you say: onwards.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Why me?
Tonight I drove by the sight of my accident. The chunk of the bush I took out is growing back nicely, and apart from the one corner being shorter, there is no sign left of what happened there two years ago. I always think back and ask why me? Not why did it happen to be in the first place, but why did I survive it? It was my fault and my responsibility, yet now I count my accident among my blessings. Why me? I surely don't deserve it. I barely even had to pay the consequences of my actions. A couple hundred dollar ticket is surely a fair price for my life.
I was returning home from hanging out with friends, watching a movie, and talking about life. Ever since middle school, I have been overwhelmingly blessed with friendship. Why me? I have so many friends who I love and trust completely, and have never really lacked this since the start of high school. Considering how hard it is for me with new people, this is truly incredible, especially considering how easily I made great friends in college when I knew absolutely no one. The greatest thing is I know my feelings are reciprocated. Even my newest of friends drove across two states to visit me, and my oldest has brightened when I reaffirmed he is my best friend. They are all incredible people, and I understand not everyone can claim the same about their friends.
Even now, as I sit in my room, I ask why me? I barely have to look around to see a computer, a bed, a TV, an Xbox, shelves of books, and countless reminders of a happy childhood. I was born in America to hard working and loving parents. They've always provided for me, and I've never truly known want or hunger. What have I done to deserve this? I was born into such opportunity.
I reflect further on my parents and then on my family, and again I ask, why me? I love my parents, and they love me. I could not ask for a more perfect pair. Sure we have fought, but all those times pale in comparison to everything else. They raised me as best they could, and should have no regrets. I know too many people, good people and great friends, who cannot share this joy. My sister and brother, although as imperfect as I am, are also true blessings in my life. They love me, even if they (by which I mean my brother in particular) don't necessarily say it, they show it in ways only a sibling can. Even at my age, I still have plenty to learn from my brother, yet he displays patience and kindness in teaching me. My sister, though separated from me by years, still makes the effort to connect with me, and bond. Again, this is no result of anything I have done, simply the chance of birth.
Again, why me? Why has God blessed me so? Why not any one of those in Haiti, or those suffering at the hands of Joseph Kony and the LRA? It is unfair; I recognize this. I suppose if it was fair, and I did deserve this, it wouldn't be grace. As Relient K says, "the beauty of grace is it makes life not fair;" however, I am not content with this. This unfairness does not sit well with me. Perhaps this is why God has blessed me; this is the answer to "why me?" God has extended me this grace, so I may extend it to others. I simply pray God also blesses me with the strength to do all I can do. Until next time, have fun, live life, and don't die. Good night, folks.
I was returning home from hanging out with friends, watching a movie, and talking about life. Ever since middle school, I have been overwhelmingly blessed with friendship. Why me? I have so many friends who I love and trust completely, and have never really lacked this since the start of high school. Considering how hard it is for me with new people, this is truly incredible, especially considering how easily I made great friends in college when I knew absolutely no one. The greatest thing is I know my feelings are reciprocated. Even my newest of friends drove across two states to visit me, and my oldest has brightened when I reaffirmed he is my best friend. They are all incredible people, and I understand not everyone can claim the same about their friends.
Even now, as I sit in my room, I ask why me? I barely have to look around to see a computer, a bed, a TV, an Xbox, shelves of books, and countless reminders of a happy childhood. I was born in America to hard working and loving parents. They've always provided for me, and I've never truly known want or hunger. What have I done to deserve this? I was born into such opportunity.
I reflect further on my parents and then on my family, and again I ask, why me? I love my parents, and they love me. I could not ask for a more perfect pair. Sure we have fought, but all those times pale in comparison to everything else. They raised me as best they could, and should have no regrets. I know too many people, good people and great friends, who cannot share this joy. My sister and brother, although as imperfect as I am, are also true blessings in my life. They love me, even if they (by which I mean my brother in particular) don't necessarily say it, they show it in ways only a sibling can. Even at my age, I still have plenty to learn from my brother, yet he displays patience and kindness in teaching me. My sister, though separated from me by years, still makes the effort to connect with me, and bond. Again, this is no result of anything I have done, simply the chance of birth.
Again, why me? Why has God blessed me so? Why not any one of those in Haiti, or those suffering at the hands of Joseph Kony and the LRA? It is unfair; I recognize this. I suppose if it was fair, and I did deserve this, it wouldn't be grace. As Relient K says, "the beauty of grace is it makes life not fair;" however, I am not content with this. This unfairness does not sit well with me. Perhaps this is why God has blessed me; this is the answer to "why me?" God has extended me this grace, so I may extend it to others. I simply pray God also blesses me with the strength to do all I can do. Until next time, have fun, live life, and don't die. Good night, folks.
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